Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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