You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize