I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
