I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
