Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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