apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
