Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
