i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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