Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
