I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
