booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
