can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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