I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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