I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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