the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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