Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
