Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
