i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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