Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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