why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
