theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
