So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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