I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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