I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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