I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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