i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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