Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
