I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
