Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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