i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
