so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
