i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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