i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
