I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
