So drunk its hurt
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
