Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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