You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
