Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
