90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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