No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
