I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
