I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
