I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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