Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
