i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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