I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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