I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
