hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
