just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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