mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
