Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
