they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
