what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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