you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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