Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
