my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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