If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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