I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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