just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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