he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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