Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
